Esto es un clásico. Se trata de un repaso sarcástico a las principales guerras que ha protagonizado nuestro vecino, y en las que ha resultado… digamos escaldado.
– Gallic Wars
– Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
– Hundred Years War
– Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; «France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.» Sainted.
– Italian Wars
– Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
– Wars of Religion
– France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
– Thirty Years War
– France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
– War of Revolution
– Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
– The Dutch War
– War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
– Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
– War of the Spanish Succession
– Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
– American Revolution
– In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as «de Gaulle Syndrome», and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; «France only wins when America does most of the fighting.»
– French Revolution
– Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
– The Napoleonic Wars
– Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
– The Franco-Prussian War
– Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
– World War I
– Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her «Fraulein.» Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
– World War II
– Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
– War in Indochina
– Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
– Algerian Rebellion
– Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; «We can always beat the French.» This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
– War on Terrorism
– France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.